One year ago

Last year on this day, Mr. Ho and I went to Georgetown Cupcakes in Bethesda to fulfill my cupcake craving. We bought extras and brought some to the Wiltshires. Mr. Ho went to go play his flag football game and I was waiting for him to come home with some Baja Fresh, which was my first mexican craving of the pregnancy.

**A little TMI**

All day, I felt a little trickle down there and just assumed it was a part of "normal pregnancy" as my OBGYN kept referring to all my symptoms. I felt the need to pee and couldn't really control my bladder but I was 37 weeks so I figured I was just losing a bit of bladder control. But by night time, I felt sort of suspicious so I took a sniff at my underwear. It smelled like bleach! I googled "when your water breaks" and read that bleach-smelling liquid could be a sign that your bag of waters had broken! So I called my doctor and his on-call partner told me to just go to the hospital to get a test, just in case. I phone-bombed Mr. Ho. He did not pick up. In the mean time, I began to add the finishing touches to my hospital bag and mentally prepared myself, but at the same time, did not get my hopes up in case this was just a false alarm.

Mr. Ho finally called back in a complete panic! I told him what was going on and he sped home. He was quite the flustered one, to say the least. I told him he HAD to take a shower in case this was the real deal. FInally, we were on our way. I remember walking into the hospital hand-in-hand saying how we will probably be going home in an hour or two!

No, not so much!

The tests showed my waters indeed had broken and so they would be inducing my labor. I was given pitocin and admitted into room 312. It took 3 nurses to get my iv in. My arms were terribly bruised afterwards. I was also STARVING since I hadn't eaten anything substantial all day but I couldn't eat because of the meds. I was eating popsicles, watching the Kardashians and thinking this was a piece of cake. I had planned on enduring the pains as much as I could.

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks. How would I describe the pain? Like period cramps, multiplied by a million. And cramps when you have to poop, multiplied by a million. I definitely got an epidural but I really hated how numb my legs felt. I really can't remember if the epidural hurt or not. I was too focused on my labor pains. I threw up a few times. I hardly slept. I was fully dilated around noon the next day. I pushed for about 2.5 hours and my OBGYN decided my hips were too narrow to get this baby down safely. So with much regret, I had to have a c-section. I remember being wheeled out of the room into surgery and my brother saying to my mom, "She's going to start crying." And I definitely did. I was tired, in a lot of pain, and so frustrated.

Mr. Ho met me in the operating room where I was given more drugs. I was so loopy. I remember feeling a lot of pressure and then all of sudden, I heard a baby crying. And INSTANTLY, Mr. Ho and I looked at each other and we both had tears running down our faces. They took little Olivia to get warmed up while they stitched me up. It was around Olympic time and one of the doctors (not mine) asked mydoctor about curling. I know, WTF. Can you just place my organs back in nicely, not leave anything behind, and stitch me up, please?

I was still very drugged up so it was kind of a blur. But it all happened really fast. I remember holding her finally and she was just so calm and peaceful. Wow, what a moment!

We were in the hospital for 5 days. I wanted to stay as long as insurance would let me because I just felt so unsure of what I was doing. The nurses were absolutely amazing. They were so helpful. When I was crying to one of the nurses about my unsuccessful breastfeeding attempts, I remember her encouraging me and telling me one day I'll be stirring a pot of spaghetti with one hand and breastfeeding with the other! That never happened, but I always think of her when I make spaghetti and holding Olivia in the other arm.

The lactation consultants were super helpful too. I just completely broke down and cried one day and Mr. Ho had no idea what was wrong with me. I can't really put into words how frustrating it is. I thought I was "prepared" for all of this. But as much as I felt intense love for my child, she was also like a stranger. We had never met face-to-face and I had no idea what to do with her. She obviously was dealing with being outside of the comforts of the womb. And here I am thrusting this nipple into her mouth. It all seems so funny now, but man. I was heartbroken. I gave breastfeeing a good try for a month. She was getting SOMETHING because she was gaining weight but it was just not working out for us.

One day, I surrendered myself to the pump. I told breastfeeding to go eff itself and decided to go with the machine. As long as she was getting breastmilk, did it really matter how? So I pumped every 2-3 hours around the clock.

And now here I am, a complete year later. Still pumping but only twice a day as opposed to 8-10. I have a beautiful baby girl, who is thriving and happy. She loves to dance and listen to music. She loves to eat and try new flavors. She loves to manseh, clap, and do her pretty pose. She gives kisses and big smiles morning to night. She has 6 teeth. She loves to cruise. She points to dogs and says "mung mung" (dog in korean). She enjoys staring at the window and telling me about everything outside. She loves to read books.

I have a terrible shoulder from holding her on my left arm all the time. This past weekend, I was laying down and got up wrong and really hurt myself. I yelled and just held my shoulder for a bit and leaned my head on the sofa. Olivia was sitting on the sofa. She started to tear up when she heard me, crawled over, and put her head on my head and gave me little pats on the head. It was the most endearing moment of my life and I'll just never forget that feeling.

Life is not the same. And there are some times I wish I could just have some alone time. I wish I could sleep 12 hours. I wish I could just run out and run errands. I wish I could get drunk and eat shin ramyun at 4 in the morning with no worries for the next day.

But I wouldn't trade it for anything. I curse while getting up in the morning. But the second I pick her up from her crib and she says "umma," my life is perfect.

Happy 1st Birthday to my Olivia.

10 Days Late

No, not what you think. I told myself I'd start weaning from the pump one month before Olivias birthday. And I haven't started. I even had it in my planner: "Feb 1: WEANING!!!!"

I can't bring myself to do it. Why? I feel an enormous amount of guilt. I guess it's that mommy guilt rearing it's ugly head. She does so well on breastmilk. What if cows milk just doesn't do her any good? What if she hates it? Breastmilk provides all these antibodies. Should I just keep going until flu season is over at least?

We got a new dishwasher so washing bottles and pump parts has become a thing of the past. Our awesome Samsung dishwasher sanitizes and it is really just amazing. But weaning would free up so much of my time. Sigh. I know I gotta start soon.

I had a dream last night I had another baby girl. And I've been thinking all day about having another baby. After Olivia was born, I told myself I would NEVER do it again. But I miss that newborn-ness. I feel like I was so delirious from the labor and the c section that I didn't get to really enjoy it. This time, it's an automatic c section so it might be easier? Idk. I would like Olivia to be walking and out of diapers first. Mr. Ho wants a Dragon. Olivia is a special tiger - a white tiger and apparently this upcoming dragon is special too. But the tiger and the dragon won't get along because they will both be so fierce.

I'm getting way ahead of myself.

Olivia can clap on cue now. It's adorable!! I love when she Gives me love. She rubs her face all over mine. Or I love When she takes a break from playing and will crawl over to rest her head on me. She also starts "singing" along when she she's really in the mood.

Excuse the typos. I'm on my phone. Gnite!!

Like

Two things we learned Olivia likes over the weekend:

pho
aerosmith

Superbowl/Supermodel Sunday

We spent today doing Olivia's 1-year photo shoot. It was a pretty winter's day. We were supposed to do the shoot yesterday but it was very dreary and overcast. I am not happy about what I'm wearing in the pictures. The outfit I had originally planned just wasn't working. As Mr. Ho put it - it looked like a robe. But it doesn't matter. They day is about Miss Olivia. Not me!

Now I am sorta watching the game. Mostly, looking up at the television when the commercials are one. I really liked the Audi A8 commercial. Can you believe Christina messed up the national anthem? She looked ALRIGHT - I really miss her Back to Basics days. Anyway, I know she's having a hard year with the divorce and all. But man. you know she is feeling like CRAP right now.

I told Mr. Ho I wanted to see Justin Bieber's movie and he said, "of course you do." I do! I won't do it and will get it off of Netflix.

The birthday party planning is going ok. I've still got A LOT to do. Let's just say I'm pretty high off of the glue gun and my fingers are recovering from getting burned.

I am too distracted to write anything more. Looks like the Packers will win.